Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

idk what this dog had been going through but same

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Stick it to the man

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.