Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face