Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.