Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

A ghost story

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages