“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee