“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”