Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Guys which shade of gery should I get

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Somebody call the cops.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No