Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”