Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

The three genders.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.