Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I want to meet the individual who made this

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.