Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”