“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My whole life was a lie.
