“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
One venti cheeseburger please.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes