“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.