“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET