Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I identify as an antique shop.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol