@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

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@HaliPhacks

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

@lawrence_bear

Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

@CobraKeiser

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@ruinedpicnic

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@Peauxtassium

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair