Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy
Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission
Jesus: Don’t test my mercy
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Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.
Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.
Me: I got you.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair