Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
This will never not be funny to me.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?