jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Need this in my life lol
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.