jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
what could possibly go wrong?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy