Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
linkedin the good parts
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.