Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
You Might Also Like
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
How long do you have to wait between naps?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.