Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
catch me on valentine’s day like
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Bond. Trauma bond.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.