Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.