Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

💀💀💀💀

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?