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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?