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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this