Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
You Might Also Like
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared