Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
all bases covered
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Important
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.