Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours