Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

R.I.P.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line