Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

seems fine

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

I have taken up painting

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.