Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!