Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.


My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.


Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”


“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”


[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out


I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.


COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment


{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!


Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.


All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.