I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
jobs are for girls who can’t sell their bath water
I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.