Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
new year update: losing everything but weight
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!