@Megatronic13

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

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@TheBoydP

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

@_Shizzle

My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.

@KimMonte10

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

@borderlinemom8

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

@TEXASVETERAN

I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@PerfectPending

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.