Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

My dog learned how to text

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

🤣

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??