Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

he looks great for his age

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.