Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

#parenting

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.