Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Winnipeg!!

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

An odd boast

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.