Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Eat…
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
