Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
You Might Also Like
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.