Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Fight fire with water. Idiots.