Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”