Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.