Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do