Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

A fake ID that makes you younger

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

so weird how every mom was born today

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

me hitting on a model

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.