Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

From my Mom

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby