Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip