Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.