Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
You Might Also Like
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
*ernest hemingway voice*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING