Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores