JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
figuring out my emotional availability:
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
dads on road-trips be like