[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”