Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either