Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Day 2 of my diet

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

For real 🤣

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Me when I’m ovulating

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies