Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am