*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
it takes so much energy
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother