*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
For the ones in the back.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*