Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

◾️

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

I saw this ending much differently.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.