Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know