Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If you’re testing me, we failed.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
good morning
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
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90Me: Nailed it.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*