Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done