Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Godspeed, John Glenn
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Let’s Go
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
🍛
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.