Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

This fish is cracking me up

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

reminder

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*