Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.