Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.