@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

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@elle91

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

@RickyCoronaa

Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted

@T_Bonezzz

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

@CrockettForReal

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

@StinkyGr33n

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*