Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
get you a girl who
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.