Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Got ya covered
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!