Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
early stone age tool
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.