Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I wish this was real life…
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust